That Which My Soul Craves

"You were created for joy

You were created to bring life

You were created to show the way

I will do all of this in you

It is not of you

It is not by your means my joy in you is contagious

It is not by your efforts that I enliven the dead through you

It is not your path I point others to"

God, this life in so many ways seems overwhelming

Yet only when I ponder how it is that I myself will live it out

Only when I neglect to acknowledge you

All that you are

All that you have been

All that you will be

God, when I think of you in light of the work you have done

In me, through me

God, when I think of you in light of who you are

Who that makes me

Your joy returns to my soul

Is this really all it takes

Acknowledging you in light of history

The history that lies between You and me

It's our story isn't it

That's how you intended it

Not the story of humanity, godless in all its ways

Not the story of humanity's pursuit of love in all the wrong places

But instead, the story of the God that pursues

Relentless, beautiful pursuit

It's our story, You and me

It seems so selfish, I struggle with it so

That you would love me for me, just as I am

Rough around the edges - the least of them...all of them, every last one of them 

That you would really still have come for me, just me

I hear the voice in my head, mocking the love story

Mocking, belittling, scoffing

It has to in some way be about our best efforts, not just Your love

It has to

It can not simply be summarized in a word - love

There must be doctrinal stance, theological position

There must!

But I know the Truth, if not in my heart at least in that space between my ears, so inclined to believe the lie

What if it really is all about your love?

What if it is?

That changes everything, everything!

What if it really is about the life that flows from your throne, your open arms reaching out to embrace a humanity that wounds, destroys, kills

I am reminded of a word you gave me so long ago, the words that you daily impart

Your love changes us

It breaks us

It shapes us 

It makes us

You see us

You love us anyway

And we are free to dance

God, turn my eyes from myself

Make my striving cease

Only you can

I was created to love and be loved

You speak this over me, as my destiny

You create it in me, as my testimony

That though all this world had to offer denied me of the very thing I sought after most

In You, my God, my King, it was found.

What right have I to claim this love?

What right have I to deny it?

What right have I to seek it in any place other than you?

I sought it for so long of my own will, my own way

I sought that which my soul craved

And this world was found wanting

It is not here

It never will be

It is only in you

And there is nothing to fear

All that I crave is made up in all that You are

No man's affections can change it

No man's intentions can fulfill it

No man's praise can alter it

No man's degradation can dissuade it

I sought that which my soul craved

And this world was found wanting

For it is only in You, only in You

Why Do You Hesitate?

I hear the voice, the voice of the One I love

He's calling my name

I hear the voice, the voice of the One I love

He's calling my name

He's saying, Come up higher, and hear the angels sing

Come up higher my Beloved

Come up higher and leave this world behind

You'll find Me to be Beautiful

I hear His voice saying now to me, "My love, my treasured one, why do you hesitate?"

So my soul cries, 

The closer I get to you, the more I fear that you will discover I am not worth your sacrifice, your love, your time, your efforts.  If I keep my distance, if I come just close enough to your flame to feel the comforting heat, yet not enough to be burned, I am saved.

Am I?  Is this true salvation?  Comfort? 

Safe tenderness, without the risk factor?

Limited investment with extreme hesitation?

And so He says, 

The extent to which you let others in is the extent to which you let Me in.

Those walls that protect, hinder

God, why?

Why do I have to let others in?

Why do I have to invest in them?

Why do I have to let them invest in me?

Self-protection seems to be such a better choice, yet I know it is death.

So I walk forward in judgement?

How much more revelation does it take? 

How much more must my spirit be open to?

How much more, God?

I feel as though I am on the brink

Yet I hesitate

I hear the lie, I give ear to it

I hear him say, you are not good enough

You are unworthy

You always were, you always will be

I already know that...must he whisper it to me again and again?

Why is his voice louder in my ears than yours my God, my Savior?

Why do I give ear to him and not You?

It is easier to believe the lie

It is easier to believe the lie

others actions have reinforced it all my days long

So I look to men for my salvation?

I look to myself?

Come to me?

My God, my Savior.

Come to me?

Give me the want to want to be vulnerable, even to You.

Change my proud heart LORD God

The heart that looks to myself for salvation

to the work of my hand, of my heart

Make this my cry LORD God

I am running running after You

You've become my soul's delight

I am running, running after you

It's here with you I find my life

One thing have I desired

This will I seek after

To dwell in your house forevermore

Now I'm running after the thing that really matters

You've become my joy and song

You've become my joy and song

You've become my joy and song

I am running, running after You

You've become my soul's delight

I am running, running after You

It's here with you I find my life

You anoint my head with the oil of gladness. The oil of joy.

And now my cup overflows. 

He Calls Me By Name

Lizzy...I call you by name.

I sit and talk with a dear friend who has impacted my life so much for the LORD, so much towards Him, so much in Him.  Her encouragement always, "Ask Him."

As I reflect on the path my life has taken, I wonder at His awesome beauty. His joy that radiates. His love that fills to overflowing. He has spoken over this season of my life "restoration, redemption, reconciliation, re-growth, renewal."  He is healing me in ways I never thought possible.  In ways I never dreamed imaginable. In ways I never dared to hope.  

I met with my mentor tonight at Panera Bread before going to a class...  And He met me in ways I wasn't expecting.  But He does that normally doesn't He? He is so good to us...

I walked past a little boy at a table.  I waved and said hello to him as he peered out from behind his little round, wire rimmed glasses, a hap-hazard mischievous grin on his crumb covered face. He said hello back.  

I stood in line to order, and heard the pitter-patter of little feet. I looked down to see him standing there, still covered in silliness, but this time with a questioning glance directed at me.  

"Well hello again," I said, an uncontainable smile on my face.  

"Hi," he responded. "What's your name?"

"My name's Lauren."

"Oh...I like your name.  I have an aunt named Lauren."

"Reeeaallly?  Well what's your name?"

"My name's Cole."

"Oooo, I like your name too Cole!"

As he stood in front of me, posing his question, he held his hands together behind his back, head tilted to the side, curiosity spilling out of his every expression. His mischievous smile still in tact.  His dad came over and he turned to him to whisper, still smiling at me. As they walked back to their table, I waved goodbye, his grin broadened by his delight.

I turned back to my position in line, and I felt the Spirit flood me.  My eyes watered so fast i didn't have time to question God, only to receive what it was He had to reveal, to heal.  

"My perfect love casts out fear. I see the longing of your heart. I know you.  I know what you hide inside, behind your inner vows that come from a place of fear. You will not wound as you were wounded. There is nothing to fear. You were created to love."

And in a word, in a sentence, my vows fade away.  They dissipate, as if they never were.  The empty place where they once took up residence in my spirit, instantly filled with the promise of a hope great enough to dispel a fear that would kill.  "There is nothing to fear."

And so I rest in the promise of today.  In the hope of a God who heals and restores.  In the promise that if I will trust Him, acknowledge Him, let Him...He will walk with me.  

May His Roots Go Down Deep

May His roots go down deep...

Mentoring. 

Love.

Christ and the ministry of reconciliation. 

Trust.

Grace.

Mercy.

Dependence.

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood

I will be still and know You are God

His Presence

"God forbid Your glory would be our distraction. And God forbid we would ignore your glory."  Donald Miller - Through Painted Deserts

I wrote next to that quote in the book - "Walk through that, Lauren.  Work that out." Really asking myself if I agreed with the statement - the heeding.  I wrote in my journal that I believe I experienced a taste of what this means the past several weeks. 

I experienced a taste of God, actually.  I experienced being filled with the presence of the LORD for the first time...and might I say that I thoroughly enjoyed the way in which He chose to reveal Himself to me.  I LOVE that He filled me with laughter, joy that i could not contain. It spilled out, overflowing, bubbling brook.  He cracks me up!  Really?!  More than anyone, or anything, God makes me laugh and I am filled to overflowing with joy!

Okay - back to the point.  I tasted God, I experienced God, I reveled in Him...and I began to pursue the things that His presence gifted without even realizing it.  

He gave me joy, I began to pursue things that gave me joy. 

He gave me freedom, I began to pursue things that represented "freedom" in my life.

He gave me laughter, I began to pursue laughter.

O, God, so quickly, so without noticing, I took my eyes off of you and focused them on the gifts your Spirit and presence bring.  How good you are to me. So undeserved, to show me this now; to whisper kindly to me...before I am so far committed to the pursuit of the qualities of You, the characteristics of You, gifts of You that I have to struggle to come back to a place of longing for You and You alone.

It is You that brings life.  Oh, how quickly I am prone to forget.  You are the source, the portion that creates the complete circuit, the life flow that sustains. If I am to not merely survive, but live life in abundance, God how can I so precariously forget this Truth?  My spirit wanes within me, overcome by the grievances this world has to offer.  God from whichever angle one approaches it, through whichever lens one chooses to view it, false in everyway, the reality is still that this world has only grievances to offer.

YET - we will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb, yes. By the word of our testimony, yes. But even more so by the very life flow that comes from soaking in You.  From resting in Your presence - in You and You alone.

O God, how could I ever doubt? How can I ever forget?  The difference is comparable to that opposing relationship of black vs. white - the absence of all color, pigmentation vs. the presence of all color, pigmentation. (Interesting comparison choice - I'm comparing the presence of God to black, the absence of Him to white...but that makes sense doesn't it?  Everything in this world upside down and backwards - oh, change it to a prism! - clear - the true absence of all color, yet when light is cast through - the presence of all color, displayed in perfect order - AGH!!  That's even better!!! Oh my goodness, that's fantastic!)  God is so...beyond!  He is the Master Artist, and I love watching Him work.